Break Me
by sirencirce
Summary: This is a songfic done in 1st person, and it deals with the inner thoughts of Hiei and Kurama.


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Break Me

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or the song _Break Me_ (it belongs to Jewel).

Warnings: A little citrus.

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~*~*~Kurama~*~*~

I will meet you in some place,

Where the light lends itself to soft repose.

This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. It amazes me that a place such as this exists in the Ningenkai, even though I have been coming here for some time. I knew that this was the perfect place for what I was about to do. It was a logical progression…I hope. It would crush me if I happened to judge this wrong; my life would fail to have meaning.

The sun is setting in the sky, making a myriad of pinks and yellow hues light the sky in what could only be described as a miraculous wonder. I draw my attention away from the sunset to the reason I am here…Hiei. Those ruby eyes stare at me with impatience and maybe expectation. Of course it could be my wishful thinking. Whatever lies behind that carnelian gaze could be my salvation…or my destruction.

Maybe starting an affair with the temperamental youkai was not a good idea, but I just couldn't help myself. Hiei stirred passions in me that I have not felt for a long time…if ever. The intense gaze, the indifferent attitude, the fierce loyalty…all these factors amass to the enigma that is Hiei. The affair began as nothing more than a physical release; a mutual agreement of unattached, unprecedented pleasure of the body…not mind and most definitely not the heart. So when did that philosophy begin to change?…I hadn't the slightest clue.

This rendezvousseemed different this time (other than my preoccupation with issues I had yet to address). Hiei, usually the shy, reserved one, closed the distance separating us. This was odd, for Hiei never willingly made the first move. Before I know it, I'm pulled down into a passionate kiss that I couldn't have escaped if I wanted to, and trust me…I most definitely did not want to. There was something different in this kiss though…desperation, fear? It was so foreign that I couldn't tell. All I know is that the diminutive youkai was clinging to me like never before…like it was a beginning, or perhaps an end. I couldn't think like that…not when I am so close to telling him that I lied to him.

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I will let you undress me,

As if I can think at all when he guides me to the ground onto a blanket. I know where this will lead. It always comes to this when we meet here. It was the purpose of this place…our altar where we worship each other's bodies, offering carnal pleasure of the flesh but denying the emotional entanglement. I can't control the whimper that escapes my mouth as he pulls back from the kiss. I simply didn't want it to end. It's like that every time we kiss here as of late. I can never get enough of the taste of him, or maybe it is a touch of cowardness. If we are kissing deeply, he cannot look into my eyes and see how I betrayed our pact…his trust. I had promised him very little at the beginning of this…madness, but what I did promise should have been upheld. I had broken the cardinal rule of this strange, indescribable relationship and I was certain he would know if he looked into my eyes.

I tilt my head back so he can continue kissing my neck in the gentle suctioning kisses that still drive me wild after all these months. I'm sure I could never be unaffected by Hiei in any way. The insistent tug at my shirt forces me to participate since I do have to raise my arms for it to be removed. I learned early on that buttons were a hassle that Hiei would not deal with under any circumstances. This is a rare occasion on my part, for I usually do not allow the fire demon to undress me…it's so personal, so intimate. 

Cold air hits my heated skin, causing a pleasant sensation that was equally as torturous. It made me crave for Hiei's warmth…his never-ending fire. He makes my body burn for him in just a matter of moments. 

"Ah, Hiei!" I couldn't help but call out as he gently laps at a hard nipple. He knows how sensitive they are and utilizes that information to the fullest, exerting his power over me like he always does. Yes Hiei, dominate me tonight my demon lover, but know that I never truly yield.

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But I warn you, I have thorns like any rose.

I have my inner demons like anyone else. Sometimes my past haunts the present and I erect impenetrable walls around my mind, my heart, my soul…or so I thought. All I have to do is look at those ruby eyes and I feel the walls crumble. I often hear others talk about how strong they think me to be. Ha, if they could only see me now, writhing underneath your compact body, begging for mercy from this torture that you submit me to. Pleasure that I cannot comprehend turns me into this weak creature, pleasure of your doing.

"My rose," I hear your deep voice whisper as you continue your exploration of my torso. Your rose? Never before have you used pet names during our times together. Am I truly your rose my dear youkai? Do you just see the outer appearance, not thinking of the thorns that lie beneath the beautiful façade? I have thorns, Hiei, and I am in fear of using them and pushing you away. Will you still pluck the rose if it pricks your finger with one of its barbs? Or will you leave it to whither on the vine, lost in its loneliness? Oh pluck me Hiei, please take me from the vine and keep me for your own.

You can hurt me with your bare hands.

Strong hands close around my waist as you delicately lick my bellybutton. Hands of a warrior, calloused and rough, yet always gentle every time you touch me. Are you afraid you will hurt me with those very hands, firefly. You can, you know. You could probably hurt me with those hands very easily, but that's not how I'm afraid you will hurt me. Your hands slightly tremble.

You unbuckle my belt and make fast work of the button and zipper of my pants…I know they will soon be tossed to the side, forgotten in the heat of the moment. Yet, the desperation remains. What are you thinking? 

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You can hurt me using the sharp end of what you say.

I know what I'm thinking…I'm thinking of a way to tell you what needs to be said. I know what I fear…the stare in those fire-red eyes and words of distain and hatred escaping the very lips that are currently traveling up the length of my thigh. 

Your words can cut me deeper than the Ghostslayer sword that you drove through my abdomen. The indifferent grunts that you throw at times leave scars, not including the insults you toss at me. You hurt me badly, Jaganshi…and I think you know it. Why do I put up with it? This is a question I cannot answer as the warm, wetness of your mouth descends on my aching arousal.

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But I'm lost to you now,

There is no amount of reason to save me.

There is no turning back from this place, and, damn him, he knows it. This complete and utter bliss cannot be overridden with thoughts of motives and intentions. Damn you for making me want you so much. This…this…oh this is heaven. Then again, it could be hell. Hiei's coldness may be my punishment for the crimes I have committed in my past life. Never have I felt this way. I am lost to you my dark shadow.

So break me, take me…

I have often claimed that I cannot be broken by anyone, especially one of my lovers. Yet, I would beg if you asked me. I cannot deny you anything.

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Let me fill your arms again.

Just to feel your arms around me is worth the humilation of knowing I am helpless. It doesn't matter that I am weak for you. Do you think me weak? Somehow, I don't think you see me that way. Perhaps you find yourself weak for wanting me. This need that I have is just my nature…or so you seem to think. 

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Break me, make me…

I'm sorry my dear youkai, but only you can make me feel this way. I am almost unwilling to give in to you, but those eyes…tortured eyes…seem to call to me. I am putty in your hands and you have the power to make me submit, only you have such power.

I have often claimed that I cannot be broken, but I lied. You have broken my will…and, maybe after tonight, my heart.

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Let me feel your love again.

So long as I have you now, I will be pacified. Your touches are sweet agony, promising so much, yet giving very little. Or least they have been. Tonight they fulfill the promises and give much more. Are we making love tonight, Hiei? Can you love me as much as I love you? I am sorry I broke that promise to you, my friend. Ai shiteru Hiei.

~*~*~_Hiei~*~*~_

Feels like being underwater…

I can't breathe as I look at you in the throes of ecstasy. You open those emerald eyes and stare at me with that look…a look like you love me. I'm drowning, I can feel it. I know that loving gaze isn't real, you could never love me. You had come to me with this offer of your body, denying me your heart, your soul, and like a fool I agreed. You told me that we would share our bodies in pleasure, but not our hearts. Foolishly I agreed, knowing that the compact was based on a lie. I had already given you my heart long before then. 

Why did I agree? It was simple, if I could not have your heart, I would at least get your body. Maybe I subconsciously believed that you would grow to love me one day. The thought makes me laugh bitterly, the infamous Youko Kurama in love with me, the Forbidden Child. I knew I was a fool. Yet, holding you means everything to me. I would lay and die to be able to take you in my arms and hold your sensual body close to mine, to hear your heart beat in time with mine. If all you want from me is my body, I will gladly give it until you tire of me.

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Now that I've let go, lost control.

Tonight is different. Did you not think that I would notice your preoccupation? I know you kitsune, perhaps better than I know myself. I can even tell it in the way you walk, the way you breathe that you are about to make a large step in this "relationship," or should I say closing this relationship. I know you are going to leave me and move on with your life. You will expect us to go back to being just friends, and I will just to make you happy. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you are happy. What we have is about to end, and it is killing me. I can feel the tension in your body, you are holding something back from me. 

I know you think that I am as cold as the Koorime, that your leaving me will not affect me in any way. You are wrong, fox. I know that this is the last night I will hold you, taste you, and kiss your lips. I am not good with words, this you know. I know you believe that I intentionally hurt you with insults, but I'm just keeping my distance. Sometimes I wonder who it hurts the most.

I threw myself into our love making like never before. To you it may be just sex, but I always made love to you kitsune. Anything less would be an insult to you. You deserve the best, and I try to give all I am in order to be the best for you. I know that you have had more experienced lovers in the past, and I was new to wonders of the intimate touches of lover. Yet, I would like to think that I have made an impression on you, that you will think back on our time together and smile at the memory…maybe even miss it. Tonight I had to express in actions what I could not express in words.

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Water kisses fill my mouth;

You kiss me, so different than before. You once told me that no two people kiss the same, and that you would know a person just by how they kissed you…even without your sight. Will you always know my kiss, Kurama? Years down the road, will you know me just by my kiss? I would like to think so.

Why is your kiss different? I can taste the sadness on your soft lips. I should never have to taste that on your sweet lips. Am I the cause of your sadness? If so, I will accept the parting that you will eventually incite. This kiss is like water on a flame. You are drowning me.

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Water, oh, fills my soul.

I know this will kill me. You are putting out my fire. I cannot possibly survive your desertion. My fire only burns for you Kurama, only for you. Tonight you will put it out,and go on living without me. I know I am expendable to you.

So break me, take me…

Did you know you broke me? I swore that I wouldn't let that happen…ever. I never anticipated you. You were never a part of my plans. Even as a partner I never even hoped that we would be here now, that you would be undressing me.

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Let me fill your arms again.

When you pull me closer, and our bare skin touches, I feel my heart almost burst. This goes beyond mere arousal…you are the other half of my soul.

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Break me, make me…

Did you know you broke me? Do even think about that as our bodies become one? This is when I become complete, when you are inside me. I can't tell where you end and I begin and my world feels balanced. Is this dependance? If so, then so be it. I wouldn't have it any other way. You make me feel…I never thought I could feel. 

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Let me feel your love again.

It almost feels like you love me. The way your breath hitches, the stagger in your moan, the tremble in your body…this all speaks of something deeper. I'm sorry Kurama, I lied to you…ai shiteru.

Kiss me once…well, maybe twice.

I pull you down for a kiss, or two, as your hips pick up a more frantic pace. I know you are close…I'm not far behind you Kurama. 

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Oh, it never felt so nice…

You can't stop now…please never stop. I will never feel this pleasure again, for I will never give myself completely to another. How could I? After loving you for so long and for you to desire me, how can anyone else live up to this? This moment can never be repeated with someone new.

I feel my chin quivering. Not now! I can't ruin this, I can't destroy this last moment between us. I cover my eyes with my right arm, hoping that the wards will soak up the tears before they can crystalize. I can't let you see me cry. I hear you cry out in that way only you can do, and my voice joins. It was more intense than ever before. I inwardly cringe as I hear my breath catch…I know the sobs will follow. The soft tinkle of two tear gems clashing together seems to echo throughout the forest.

"Hiei?" I can hear it in your voice…you always did worry too much. "Did I hurt you?" No fox, you killed me. Hurt is not a strong enough word to describe the clenching in my chest.

"Don't…don't pretend like you care." I could handle the usual business-like sex between us, but when he tries to make me feel like he cares…please don't do this to me Kurama.

"Hiei…"

"Stop! It's not fair. I've never known love in my whole life until you, and I can't bear the fact that your about to tell me that you don't love me. It's not fair! Why does everyone else get love, but not me? Why can't someone love me too?" I feel him wrap his arms around me and I can't bring myself to fight him. I'm so pathetic.

~*~*~_Kurama~*~*~_

He loves me! I can't help but tremble. I feel his small body shaking with the force of his sobs and I feel my own tears running down my face to join his tear gems on the ground. I pull him closer and bury my face in his hair. Oh Hiei, my heart, the other half of my soul, are you telling me the truth? How I've loved you, and was so afraid of telling you. Yet, you have felt the same way all this time…my poor youkai. You may have never been loved in your past, but you are loved now and for always. I gently kiss his temple and feel his body stiffen.

"But _I_ love you Hiei." I almost smile when I hear his gasp. He raises his eyes to mine. You are so beautiful firefly. He sniffs and the action softens my heart. Sometimes I forget how much younger he is, and right now he never looked younger.

"But you said…I thought…" I silence him with a gentle kiss.

"Forget before Hiei, I was a fool. I'm sorry I kept it from you. Ai shiteru firefly." He wraps his arms around me in a fierce hug and buries his face in my chest. It is my turn to cling as I hold him like he will disappear at any moment. I know that he is saying that he loves me too. 

The temperature is dropping, but I don't even notice. Hiei's fire keeps us both warm. Burn for me Hiei…I never want to feel the cold again. Yes, I'm broken, but I'm loving the feeling.

Break me, take me…

Let me fill your arms again.

Break me, oh I'll let you make me…

Just let me feel your love again.

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This is my first songfic, so please be gentle, and review. I hope that I did both the characters and the song justice. Thanks for taking your time to read this. I know that I am working on another fic right now, but I needed a break from it and this seemed like a good idea. This stands alone and is not a part of the other fic. 

Laters,

sirencirce


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